Courage...Sexy...Strong

There are many things in life that I am proud of, and many things I would prefer to forget. But one of those things that I am proud of is what you are about to see in my blog. But if you are not an open and supportive spirit, just stop here and move on to something else. 

It took A LOT of courage for me to do this. 

As a woman who doesn’t meet the norm as to what is beautiful I have often doubted myself. I have never felt pretty ( in a social standard kinda way) . I mean I am confident no doubt in almost all aspects of my life, but I would say that image is definitely not one of them. But I am working on it. See even that statement is yucky…what does that mean working on it… you work on a house or a car until it is perfect, but how can you work on your body and make it perfect? The truth is you can’t. We can try to live a healthy lifestyle and be better version of ourselves, but it should be for us and not to meet some ridiculous standard. Because it isn’t true. The covers of magazines are fake, movie stars have TEAMS of people with the right clothes make up lighting and editing etc.

So to try and help myself see myself as beautiful I followed in the steps of my beautiful friend Tina and decided to do a boudoir shoot. Not to be in a calendar or anything but to try and believe in my own self. To believe in my beauty even if it was outside the lines. I wanted to look at myself and feel the same pride I do as when I lace up my skates. So made a few calls and found a kindred soul in a photographer who doesn’t believe in photoshoping the body wither. Booked the date…and began to panic

I told not a soul except three people who mean more to me then they know. My beautiful Gina, Tina and Nancy. We call ourselves the goddesses ( humble people that we are). Nancy who has been with me for every step of my transformation journey, who has kept my spirits up and pushed me to keep going is also my INCREDIBLE Zumba instructor. I told her about my incredible lack of sexiness and how I thought this shoot was going to FLOP!

She attempted to inspire me…I tried I really did, but I can’t do it. Then she said something in class that changed the way I thought. Nancy asked us when we had lost our sexuality? When did we stop being sexy or feel like it was wrong? To myself I said “ hey Nancy it’s pretty hard to loose what you never had” But then I kept thinking about it…

So I tried to be sexy….FAIL! It just didn’t happen.

The next class I looked at myself in the mirror while I was dancing and I said to myself…WTF…how do I still look like this?!? I mean I have been doing this for what feels like forever…UGH! I didn’t like what I saw. I felt Fat and Ugly…Slobbish really. Why do we say these things to ourselves?

Anyways I did the shoot…and it was AMAZING!! Isabella ( Ella Photography) came and made me feeling like a rock star.

I want to share them with you because sometimes I see my own doubts reflected in the faces of my friends, in the faces of the beautiful women who dance at Studio Benefit with me, who walk down the street whose posts are self-depreciating.

We are all beautiful, we are all sexy we and need to love our selves, find the courage to look at yourself, make eye contact with your soul and love yourself to being a better you.

I would never have had the courage to do this without you Nancy, Tina and Gina . Thank you my Goddesses!

Being a Mom is HARD!!

This was such a great weekend full of highs and lows but really eye opening about what it means to be a Mom. We did all kinds of activities this weekend, from building a gingerbread house, to swimming and gymnastics and saw some family etc. It was great, and Layla Rose is just doing great, her words are coming along and we are working on attention span yadayadayada...

So why is being a Mom hard if everything was so fun...let me explain

I have been against gymnastics since day one. Not because of the sport itself, it is beautiful to watch and those athletes are strong and dedicated. My problem is 2 fold, 1 is the body thing I have been sooooooo scared that she won't fit whatever body they need to wear those suits and what others would say about her. Naturally this stems from my ridiculous opinion of my own body and the struggle i have had and continue to have with  my body image. I wanted to save her from going through the nasty world of body image. the 2nd part is that I am afraid of the injuries she could have. Layla Rose is fearless that borders on dangerous, so my images of her pitching herslef off a beam or soemthing have always held me back.

then the fact that she loves it and is good at it came in... ugh

then the recommendation form her psychologist that she do it...double ugh

And so the internal battle begun...do I do what i feel is right and keep her engaged in other activities or do i go against my gut and follwo the what seems to be the natural flow...not easy. I REALLY don't want her to do gymnastics.

So after fighting it, I finally gave in and brought her to Wimgym in their munchkin program. She was all dressed up in her cute little outfit and away she went. Eric waited down stairs and i stayed with her. She was so good! LOL! she did it all, the bear crawl, the beam the whole nine yards YAY! SO then we switched so Eric could see it also and I went into the waiting room. and IT happened.

So I'm  sitting with my little chunky Buddha playing and 2 Mom's are talking. And they are CRITICIZING their own daughters bodies!! One is saying her daughter gains 7lbs every winter and she looks terrible. the otherone was saying how much she has to spend in new suits because she keeps gaining weight. I DAMN NEAR jumped on them!! Against my natural self i said nothing...the reason for that is it litterally dashed my joy of the moment. I was SO HAPPY that my child was in somehting she was good at, that I was wrong all this time about gymnastics. and then THAT. UGH!

SO as a Mom I sit here debating what to do...i mean she is so natural there, and yet those 2 morons just validated my original fear. I feel like I have no choice because Layla Rose needs every opportunity to build her confidence so no matter what life throws at her she can face it. But how can i protect her from harpies like that.

Being a Mom is hard...hard choices...tough calls... I can only hope to make the right ones