Being a Mom is one of the most rewarding and challenging things Ive experienced, that any of us experience. All of us struggle with things like, enough food, enough sleep, screen time blah blah blah...I realized that all parents struggle with their own battles everyday. But sometimes being the mom of a child with special needs can feel so lonely and bring me to places I don"t want to be. Confused? ya me too....
Yesterday was the last class of the session for Layla Rose and Anthony's gymnastics at WimGym. Parents and grandparents were invited to watch and the kids did fun activities, trampoline, beam etc. As usual it always started well, my little dragon can run super fast and does such a great job at the warm up...and I watch the clock because I know what is coming. as the minutes tick by I watch her and cheer every extra tick the clock takes . I look at the other spectators and they are smiling, pointing and gushing over the adorable kids and cuteness of the awkward tumbles, swings and jumps. I try not to pay attention or compare but easier said then done.
I look back at my Layla Rose and I see her being to struggle, to battle with what she knows she should do and the lack of ability to self regulate and I know what is coming. Her coach tries to distract and redirect, but its about to go south. I go to the door and they let me in to help calm the situation.
So in front of all the smiling parents I enter the gym floor to calm and teach my child. I have to dig deep to try and teach her with an audience.To calm the shrieks and thrashing while eyes are on her and i can't help but feel judged. What are they thinking of my child? of me? All the while wishing just for one moment to be one of them.
The moment passes, and I say my kid can do it, she can do this... I got this, I am super mom, and then she lets of a scream and all the kids look at her and I feel like crap again. I'm hoping the whole time that none of the other parents send their kids to camp and recognizes me, and I am jealous of the other parents in that moment and I feel like shit because I feel that way. I mean there are worse things and other parents would kill just to have this...
...this incredible kid, this sensitive soul and electric character. I love her with all my heart but sometimes it is so hard, and I want to feel just a little normal, just once. I want to send her to a birthday party and not have to worry what she will eat , to an activity that she can do, to kindergarten and not wonder how long it will last before I get called.
Being a special needs Mom, is like being a regular mom, we struggle, we question, love, we cherish, we hold them , we cuddle them. But there seems to be an extra layer to this, an extra layer to any Mom who has a non typical child, its a layer of loneliness and guilt. The guilt for feeling lonely and tired and for the milliseconds we periodically experience of wishing things could be different.
But there is also that layer of strength, the armor you put on everyday and say "my child can do anything" I will make it possible for her and feel the exploding pride when she does. The overflowing of emotion when she pedals her bike the first time, when she says Hi, my name is...when she talks to me with her eyes telling me things only I can truly understand. I know that my path is as it should be, but holy crap its not easy. I sincerely wish we could make everything more adaptable to her but we can't and so we march on wearing our armor , making the world a better place for her and kids like her. There are no 2 ways about it, being a special needs mom is hard and they are worth it.
