It Takes a village and I love it!

This weekend was so crazy, hockey practices, cooking, baking, family, swimming AHHHHH!!! I know you guys get it!! So tonight as I sat down to some peace and quiet ( kids asleep, hubby at hockey) I took a deep breath and it really hit me , it hit me how much I have to be grateful for , but also for the place I am at right now.

Parenthood is just a daily guessing game (right?) a lot of uncertainty, the best of intentions, high highs and incredible lows. I have been fortunate enough to have been able to go through this emotional journey with some equally kick butt parents. My circle of friends has all had children at the same (ish) time and it makes it fun because we can laugh, cry and support each other through this wild ride.  I don’t think I could do this parenting thing without all these amazing moms and dads in our life. It really and truly (for me anyway) makes it less lonely, scary and I feel a lot of solidarity! I think I can not stress enough the importance of the village. I know, I know its cliché but there is a reason why it has stuck around, because it’s true.

This village is not just for the hard times, but almost more importantly for the good times. 4 years ago, one of my oldest friends, Natalie and I started a cookie tradition. We get our four kids together and let the flour, sprinkles and frosting chaos ensue (oh it has been a frosting disaster LOL) We have done this each Christmas since, and our group has expanded to include more of our friends. It is louder and messier and every BETTER than it has ever been. These memories will be with us as our kids get older, and it is bittersweet! As our 7 kids played and entertained them selves us ladies sat there and actually proclaimed:


“We’ve MADE IT!”

But I was sad a bit, it was going too fast! I wanted to hold on to my little babies just a little bit more, but we can’t do that. Time marches on and they grow, so I am holding onto these precious moments. I hope these kids stay together and do this for as long as possible!


Parents, parents to be and whoever else, get a village!! Today leaving the arena we met another long-time friend and his kiddo ready to get on the ice. Right away I thought oh baby new tradition, lets get an outdoor game going! These things might seem trivial and hard to fit in our busy schedules, but these moments will not last. Truth is that parenting is hard. So many unknowns, so many questions. But when you have a village who will hold you up, march through this crazy journey, dance with you, laugh with you, cry with you and do a war cry with you, then NOTHING is as scary as it might’ve been.

I hope my village ( so many of you not pictured here) doesn’t change, I hope that I am lucky enough to keep laughing with you all and I hope that you find your village ( if you don’t already have it) Doesn’t need to be  more than one person (quality not quantity).  

                                                        To each of you I am grateful.

Resilience!

So lets talk resilience here peeps, I can’t help but feel that there is no more resilient group of people than parents…in particular Momma’s ( this is not a sexist comment but more a rallying cry for my fellow mommas) It has been quite the year this 2019, oh boy. So much has happened and though I post quite a bit on social media, it is important to understand that any social media platform is not a complete story of a person. It is just a snapshot of images and posts that are CHOSEN, not a full reflection. I have a blessed life, but I have had a difficult time during this year for a multitude of reasons. This experience has led me to meet some absolutely incredible people that have made me see things in a whole new way.

In 2019 I have had some pretty serious health conditions be diagnosed, I have hinted but never fully shared, so here it is in may I was diagnosed with insulin resistance/hypoglycemia and anemia and then in august with stage 3 adrenal failure/ anxiety and depression.  I can say these things openly now because in meeting incredible people who have taught me about resilience I have come through to the other side.  None of these conditions are something that goes away, but I have learned to manage it and feel strong again.  I have learned in meeting others in support groups, and meetings etc that many mothers go through this. Special needs mom’s in particular suffer from stress that is equivalent to soldiers in war. I can say that this is a fact, I never knew the depth of strength I would have to find, use and rely on.  I never knew that I didn’t need to do this alone, that there were other parents out there going through the same thing, that we could lean on each other and come out of this stronger than before.

It has been a huge blow to me to not be able to do physical exercise, it was always a crutch for me and a coping mechanism. But with these conditions I was ordered on complete rest. If you know me at all you know that rest is not my forte. However, it has been my greatest teacher. These months of doing nothing, have taught me about resilience of the body and mind. That asking for help and mental health support is not a weakness but a strength. I am a work in progress and will continue to struggle for sure, but I am lucky to be surrounded by amazing people and professionals who have helped me these last few months. As I enter the next phase of this condition (healing is underway) I have been given permission to begin small amounts of exercise and workouts and I can’t wait for body, mind and soul to be aligned for the adventure.


Having said all this, if you are reading this and feel alone, you are not. If you need support, help is on the way. There is a lot on the plates of Mothers these days ( dad’s are awesome , Eric is the cream of the crop) but it is still not always even and we need to learn to take time for ourselves, recharge our batteries and understand that resilience doesn’t mean perfection.  We are perfect in our imperfection, in our intentions, in our energy and efforts to do our best for our families. We are enough as we are and when we are down, we will get back up because we are RESILIENT!

Rebirth of my blog: my opinion LIVES ! (muahahahahaha)

Well watch out world! The unicorn dragon momma is back baby! It has been over 2 years since my last post and I have lived a lot, learned a lot, been humbled and am now exploring all kinds of new adventures. The flavour of this blog going forward will be an explosion of topics, questions and maybe a little venting if I need it.

I am a Mother to 2 very special kiddos that are the center of my universe, wife to an amazing partner, fur momma to our newest addition Winnie and lover of life...and  so lets dive into my first post.

THE HIDDEN DIAGNOSIS

We just got back from an incredible family trip to Disney World and it was amazing!  We love Disney so, so, so much for all the obvious reasons, but also for not so obvious reasons. You see, our gift of a seven year old has an alphabet soup of diagnoses and allergies and is extremely limited to where she can travel. Disney offers the most incredible experience for her. There she has the opportunity to be just like other kids. their chefs are trained to accommodate her multiple allergies (dairy, soy and gluten), they have staff who are trained in ASD and know exactly what to do and how to interact with her and no one there looks at her as anything other than a princess.

 But here is the thing, to the average person she looks "normal" whatever that means. She has no physical attributes that would suggest a disability. You might think that is advantageous, keeping it hidden kind of thing. Truth is I am on the fence about it. Some days I wish she looked a certain way so that I didn't have to explain her or her behavior. Its exhausting to always have to justify, prepare people, adapt, apologise and and and...exhausting. If she has the physical features of certain disabilities, then the narrative would be understood ( or would it) In our case, I also find myself often defending myself and my parenting. Because she "looks" normal we have been on the receiving end of some commenting gems ( how I am not in jail to be honest is a miracle) To the individual who doesn't know she lives with ASD and all that comes with it she can look like a spoiled brat. When she is screaming out of control because she is overstimulated, or hiding because she has anxiety, or almost in a trance from fatigue, to that individual it will look like a tantrum and a parent who indulges. Truth is, when the disability in internal and not physical it opens doors to comments, judgments and LOTS of advice.  My all time favorite is anything that begins with " Have you tried..."  or "maybe if you would just..." Oh baby we love that ( NOT!)

During our vacation, our stroller held the tag identifying her as disabled so she could enter through special doors, we often skipped lines etc. During this incredible program, that allows individuals to have this magical experience I had a few heart dropping moments when I heard comments like  " she doesn't even look handicapped" ( I hate that word BTW)  or "its not fair, she should have to wait like the rest of us" "This is bullshit, look she is normal" and a few others.  Boy do I wish it was bullshit, boy do I wish I was just doing it so I didn't have to wait in line. ASD and many other disabilities and mental health are all unseen and can be as debilitating as a missing leg or spina bifida. I would challenge you to look at every person, every parent, every  friend and coworker as if you understood that you don't understand everything, that maybe you are missing significant information to understand them and their behaviour. Maybe there is something more going on, be kind, be generous, be positive and supportive. There are many hidden diagnoses that affect individuals and families in ways you can never imagine.

Trust me. I know.

Confessions of a Mom

Being a Mom is one of the most rewarding and challenging things Ive experienced, that any of us experience. All of us struggle  with things like, enough food, enough sleep, screen time blah blah blah...I realized that all parents struggle with their own battles everyday. But sometimes being the mom of a child with special needs can feel so lonely and bring me to places I don"t want to be. Confused? ya me too....

Yesterday was the last class of the session for Layla Rose and Anthony's gymnastics at WimGym. Parents and grandparents were invited to watch and the kids did fun activities, trampoline, beam etc. As usual it always started well, my little dragon can run super fast and does such a great job at the warm up...and I watch the clock because I know what is coming. as the minutes tick by I watch her and cheer every extra tick the clock takes . I look at the other spectators and they are smiling, pointing and gushing over the adorable kids and cuteness of the awkward tumbles, swings and jumps. I try not to pay attention or compare but easier said then done.

I look back at my Layla Rose and I see her being to struggle, to battle with what she knows she should do and the lack of ability to self regulate and I know what is coming.  Her coach tries to distract and redirect, but its about to go south. I go to the door and they let me in to help calm the situation.

So in front of all the smiling parents I enter the gym floor to calm and teach my child. I have to dig deep to try and teach her with an audience.To calm the shrieks and thrashing while eyes are on her and i can't help but feel judged. What are they thinking of my child? of me?  All the while wishing just for  one moment to be one of them.

 The moment passes, and I say my kid can do it, she can do this... I got this, I am super mom, and then she lets of a scream and all the kids look at her and I feel like crap again. I'm hoping the whole time that none of the other parents send their kids to camp and recognizes me, and I am jealous of the other parents in that moment and I feel like shit because I feel that way. I mean there are worse things and other parents would kill just to have this...

...this incredible kid, this sensitive soul and electric character. I love her with all my heart but sometimes it is so hard, and I want to feel just a little normal, just once. I want to send her to a birthday party and not have to worry what she will eat , to an activity that she can do, to kindergarten and not wonder how long it will last before I get called.

Being a special needs Mom, is like being a regular mom, we struggle, we question, love, we cherish, we hold them , we cuddle them. But there seems to be an extra layer to this, an extra layer to any Mom who has a non typical child, its a layer of loneliness and guilt. The guilt for feeling lonely and tired and for the milliseconds we periodically experience of wishing things could be different.

But there is also that layer of strength, the armor you put on everyday and say "my child can do anything" I will make it possible for her and feel the exploding pride when she does. The overflowing of emotion when she pedals her bike the first time, when she says Hi, my name is...when she talks to me with her eyes telling me things only I can truly understand. I know that my path is as it should be, but holy crap its not easy. I sincerely wish we could make everything more adaptable to her but we can't and so we march on wearing our armor , making the world a better place for her and kids like her.  There are no 2 ways about it, being a special needs mom is hard and they are worth it.

A chapter now closed

I am not even really sure where to start this post, its been so long since I've written but a lot has been going. Though my, our life is so full of amazing things, people and experiences it has been a tough six months for my little family. Its been hard because we've been dealing with a situation  at home that we've been largely silent about. To be honest, we've been partly silent because we wanted to wait until we had all the answers and partly because we didn't really know how to start the conversation.

So last August i began having some pretty sever symptoms of something being wrong, fatigue, headaches, nausea dizziness among other things. Anyways that's not important. So off to the doctor i went, and to many doctors since then. All this time...these passed six months we have been working to figure out what was wrong with me. One of the tests was a brain MRI at the end of last year and close to 10 000$ of blood tests( we ended up going public but were quoted that privately) during these tests several anomalies were found. Before we continue lets be clear I'm ok, nothing life threatening. but it has taken some time to get here, to know this. I've shared my journey superficially with a few of my closest friends  but not many. The long and the short of it is medically we are working on things and figuring out everything that needs to be tweaked in terms of my condition an progress is being made. but that's not the point of this  post.

For the last six months I've carried what is essentially a secret and it has weighed on me. there were a few weeks when we had no answers and some of the tests were to eliminate some more scary things. during that time you would be amazed at what you think of and what seems important. However now we know that i am ok and we are treating everything it is like an incredible weight has been lifted, one i didn't even know i was carrying until it was gone. At the same time I am exhausted, all this time worrying and thinking, you just don't ever have a moment of peace, because when all is quiet, your brain is not.

Why speak of it at all, you might be asking. Well its hard to say. I feel like since its mostly over now, i can breath and let it out. I have always been the type to wear it on my sleeve and I feel like i've been a little more impatient these past few months ( not that i have much to start with). Hopefully the next six months will bring a lot more relief as the treatments kick in. This forum is like a therapy session for me. I can get it out without having to answer a ton of questions. I find it an awkward  topic anyways and don't necessarily want to talk about it now that its mostly over.

Needles to say i am grateful for those who have helped me make it through the last while whether they knew it or not. I wont lie, I'm quite tired mentally but doing better and am back at the gym , playing hockey and slowly getting it together LOL We've got weddings, babies and vacations in the next year and lots of exciting things I can now look forward to without a cloud.

It's been awhile...

Well folks it has been quite awhile since I last wrote, life has been somewhat rock and roll these last few months. However I am slowly getting together and today something remarkable happened to me and it cannot go unshared. So in the next few days I will catch you all up on all things Mancini but first...today.

So the dragon has been going through so much lately, all kinds of tests and Dr. appointments ( the cause will be the subject of another post) and she can have some pretty intense behaviour both good and bad. So this afternoon after once again not napping we were playing in the base ment and she ask me to watch TV. I said no because I was saving her TV time for when the rain came (the sky was black) this set her off into the toddler tantrum of the century.

 At first I just figured it would be the 2 minute "I didn't get what i want" standard. But it went on longer than normal, she was looking at me while screaming at a piercing level. When i say screaming, I mean screaming to the point it actually hurt my ears. Jokes aside...it was intense. the whole episode took approximately 25 minutes. I was exhausted at the end, but  it wasn't just a tantrum. It was more than that , she lost control of herself and I could see in her eyes that it was more than she could handle, almost like her body took over control of her mind and she couldn't stop screaming. All the while this was going on I didn't lose it, I held her, calmed her, read to her, sang to her, until she was so tired she just sat in my lap hugging me and we rocked. I was feeling really happy that I was able to hold it together and see past the behavior. I've lost my patience before,,,oh yeah, I've had my moments. So all in all feeling ok.

Then it was over.

She went on her merry way and continued paying like nothing happened. about half an hour later She asked to go for a walk , super fun right. So we are all in the portique putting on our shoes to go and she takes my hand and says

"thank you for playing with me"

So i say

"It was fun I love playing"

Then She says "no mamma, ( takes my other hand so i look at her ) Thank you for playing with me"

I look at her, and i mean really look at her and I understand what she is trying to say to me. In her own way, she understood what happened in the basement. Whatsmore is that she understood that I didn't leave her, that I didn't get mad and that I loved her. In her little face I could see a profound understanding of the whole ordeal. It took my breath away.

I crouched down to make sure she understood me, and what I said had so many layers of meaning and I think she understood most of those layers, I said

"I will always play with you"

Great day.

Courage...Sexy...Strong

There are many things in life that I am proud of, and many things I would prefer to forget. But one of those things that I am proud of is what you are about to see in my blog. But if you are not an open and supportive spirit, just stop here and move on to something else. 

It took A LOT of courage for me to do this. 

As a woman who doesn’t meet the norm as to what is beautiful I have often doubted myself. I have never felt pretty ( in a social standard kinda way) . I mean I am confident no doubt in almost all aspects of my life, but I would say that image is definitely not one of them. But I am working on it. See even that statement is yucky…what does that mean working on it… you work on a house or a car until it is perfect, but how can you work on your body and make it perfect? The truth is you can’t. We can try to live a healthy lifestyle and be better version of ourselves, but it should be for us and not to meet some ridiculous standard. Because it isn’t true. The covers of magazines are fake, movie stars have TEAMS of people with the right clothes make up lighting and editing etc.

So to try and help myself see myself as beautiful I followed in the steps of my beautiful friend Tina and decided to do a boudoir shoot. Not to be in a calendar or anything but to try and believe in my own self. To believe in my beauty even if it was outside the lines. I wanted to look at myself and feel the same pride I do as when I lace up my skates. So made a few calls and found a kindred soul in a photographer who doesn’t believe in photoshoping the body wither. Booked the date…and began to panic

I told not a soul except three people who mean more to me then they know. My beautiful Gina, Tina and Nancy. We call ourselves the goddesses ( humble people that we are). Nancy who has been with me for every step of my transformation journey, who has kept my spirits up and pushed me to keep going is also my INCREDIBLE Zumba instructor. I told her about my incredible lack of sexiness and how I thought this shoot was going to FLOP!

She attempted to inspire me…I tried I really did, but I can’t do it. Then she said something in class that changed the way I thought. Nancy asked us when we had lost our sexuality? When did we stop being sexy or feel like it was wrong? To myself I said “ hey Nancy it’s pretty hard to loose what you never had” But then I kept thinking about it…

So I tried to be sexy….FAIL! It just didn’t happen.

The next class I looked at myself in the mirror while I was dancing and I said to myself…WTF…how do I still look like this?!? I mean I have been doing this for what feels like forever…UGH! I didn’t like what I saw. I felt Fat and Ugly…Slobbish really. Why do we say these things to ourselves?

Anyways I did the shoot…and it was AMAZING!! Isabella ( Ella Photography) came and made me feeling like a rock star.

I want to share them with you because sometimes I see my own doubts reflected in the faces of my friends, in the faces of the beautiful women who dance at Studio Benefit with me, who walk down the street whose posts are self-depreciating.

We are all beautiful, we are all sexy we and need to love our selves, find the courage to look at yourself, make eye contact with your soul and love yourself to being a better you.

I would never have had the courage to do this without you Nancy, Tina and Gina . Thank you my Goddesses!