Say I love you

Today our son would’ve been 14 years old. I think about him a lot, even if I don’t talk about it much. Today I am blessed with my 2 angels and I hug them extra hard on Feb 4^th.  Its crazy how life events shape who you are. Like one day you are one person, then something happens and you are someone else. For years and years I fought to have more children and I never really spoke about how hard it was, how sad I was and how hard it is to think about those days. So, today I think about my son, who watches my little family and I miss him. I know its crazy to think that after so long it hits, but these days life has been a little emotional.


Nothing wrong with a little emotion


This weekend I celebrated by 40th birthday with my friends, and I feel like a different person again. I was in a room with 50 people and there was so much love I felt like bursting. Could it be that I am blessed with these amazing friends? How did I get so lucky to have all of them in my life, and unless I delusional it all feels so genuine? I made a little speech in the beginning thanking them for all they have done for me. I wanted them to feel my gratitude and my love. It seems like going through therapy has made me so aware of the people in my life who make the effort to show me I matter, and I want them to feel the same.


I hope it worked.


I have watched a movie that my friend, my team made for me and I can’t stop crying. Not because of the message but because of the time and effort that they all went through for me. Just like my purse (that’s another story) This act of kindness, of love has forever changed me.


Thank you


Maybe its because I am getting older, maybe its because ii am tired, maybe its because I am taking time to evaluate my life, my feelings, my mind, who knows. I just feel the need to spread the message of love and kindness. Its cliché but its true, we don’t know what other people are living so be kind, hug each other, say I love you.


I love you

The truth about Herbalife!

Since I began my journey 2.5 years ago, I have had so many questions and comments about my lifestyle, some good & some bad. There are so many things about diets and shakes and nutrition, workouts etc. ugh what do you believe? So I am going to summarize my journey on all things Herbalife, and diets



**my opinion, I am not a professional**

Let’s begin with what has been my most challenged tool, Herbalife.  I will tell you the actual truth about the product. The truth about Herbalife is that it tastes really, really good. I used shakes as a part of my nutrition long before I found Herbalife. I tried them all (isoflex which is my second favorite, vega etc). But Herbalife definitely has the smoothest taste and I enjoy it. What I love about it is that all I need to add is water and ice, whereas the other proteins I used I had to add berries, or yogurt or whatever. They were also gritty. Herbalife shakes as part of a nutrition plan work. But that’s the key isn’t it, part of a plan. Herbalife is not a secret to weight loss, energy or muscle gain, like anything it is a tool a piece of the puzzle. What I hate is that some people promote the product as the holy grail because they sell it. 




It isn’t. 

You will not lose weight by simply drinking a protein shake no matter how good it tastes. But if you get yourself a good plan and you like using shakes as a part of the plan then I recommend Herbalife because its yummy!!  So here is what I think, anything you decide to do, be it weight watchers, jenny craig, keto , whatever as long as you stick to it, it will work. Any diet will work as long as you stick to it. Question is, will you be able to sustain it?


I was lucky to have a phenomenal coach (Sonya Fernandez) who not only taught me about food but also supported me and my research into my nutrition journey. I also had the support of an OUTSTANDING nutritionist (Naureen Hunani nutrition) who helped me develop a nutrition plan that worked for my body and medical conditions.  


Bottom line is food is key! 


I love the shakes as part of my plan, but I eat delicious healthy food.  I have lost all in all about 85lbs (depending on the holiday) 


It’s the new year and many of us have made resolutions, I urge you to consider this. Whatever you decide to follow, whatever program make sure you have balance. Use your tools (shakes or whatever) use your programs, points and plans with a sustainable mindset. The long-term goal is health and sustainability. I have kept the weight off for 2 years and I am proud of that fact, it was only possible because I have a good support system and I learned form my mistakes.


Oh, and I made many, many mistakes, I didn’t eat enough for my exercise level, I was doing too much intense cardio and not enough weights. Ended up having long term damage for that. But with time and learning I am on the road to recovery. But guess what? Even though I have not been able to work out for 6 months I have not gained back the weight and that is because I learned to eat well, and I enjoy shakes as a part of it.


So, I guess what I am trying to say, is no matter what you decide to do as a eating style people will judge and make comments but as long as you do it healthy, balanced and sustainable who cares what they say. You do you and if you ever want a buddy, message me we can always support each other, exchange ideas and get healthy!



You got this!

It Takes a village and I love it!

This weekend was so crazy, hockey practices, cooking, baking, family, swimming AHHHHH!!! I know you guys get it!! So tonight as I sat down to some peace and quiet ( kids asleep, hubby at hockey) I took a deep breath and it really hit me , it hit me how much I have to be grateful for , but also for the place I am at right now.

Parenthood is just a daily guessing game (right?) a lot of uncertainty, the best of intentions, high highs and incredible lows. I have been fortunate enough to have been able to go through this emotional journey with some equally kick butt parents. My circle of friends has all had children at the same (ish) time and it makes it fun because we can laugh, cry and support each other through this wild ride.  I don’t think I could do this parenting thing without all these amazing moms and dads in our life. It really and truly (for me anyway) makes it less lonely, scary and I feel a lot of solidarity! I think I can not stress enough the importance of the village. I know, I know its cliché but there is a reason why it has stuck around, because it’s true.

This village is not just for the hard times, but almost more importantly for the good times. 4 years ago, one of my oldest friends, Natalie and I started a cookie tradition. We get our four kids together and let the flour, sprinkles and frosting chaos ensue (oh it has been a frosting disaster LOL) We have done this each Christmas since, and our group has expanded to include more of our friends. It is louder and messier and every BETTER than it has ever been. These memories will be with us as our kids get older, and it is bittersweet! As our 7 kids played and entertained them selves us ladies sat there and actually proclaimed:


“We’ve MADE IT!”

But I was sad a bit, it was going too fast! I wanted to hold on to my little babies just a little bit more, but we can’t do that. Time marches on and they grow, so I am holding onto these precious moments. I hope these kids stay together and do this for as long as possible!


Parents, parents to be and whoever else, get a village!! Today leaving the arena we met another long-time friend and his kiddo ready to get on the ice. Right away I thought oh baby new tradition, lets get an outdoor game going! These things might seem trivial and hard to fit in our busy schedules, but these moments will not last. Truth is that parenting is hard. So many unknowns, so many questions. But when you have a village who will hold you up, march through this crazy journey, dance with you, laugh with you, cry with you and do a war cry with you, then NOTHING is as scary as it might’ve been.

I hope my village ( so many of you not pictured here) doesn’t change, I hope that I am lucky enough to keep laughing with you all and I hope that you find your village ( if you don’t already have it) Doesn’t need to be  more than one person (quality not quantity).  

                                                        To each of you I am grateful.

Resilience!

So lets talk resilience here peeps, I can’t help but feel that there is no more resilient group of people than parents…in particular Momma’s ( this is not a sexist comment but more a rallying cry for my fellow mommas) It has been quite the year this 2019, oh boy. So much has happened and though I post quite a bit on social media, it is important to understand that any social media platform is not a complete story of a person. It is just a snapshot of images and posts that are CHOSEN, not a full reflection. I have a blessed life, but I have had a difficult time during this year for a multitude of reasons. This experience has led me to meet some absolutely incredible people that have made me see things in a whole new way.

In 2019 I have had some pretty serious health conditions be diagnosed, I have hinted but never fully shared, so here it is in may I was diagnosed with insulin resistance/hypoglycemia and anemia and then in august with stage 3 adrenal failure/ anxiety and depression.  I can say these things openly now because in meeting incredible people who have taught me about resilience I have come through to the other side.  None of these conditions are something that goes away, but I have learned to manage it and feel strong again.  I have learned in meeting others in support groups, and meetings etc that many mothers go through this. Special needs mom’s in particular suffer from stress that is equivalent to soldiers in war. I can say that this is a fact, I never knew the depth of strength I would have to find, use and rely on.  I never knew that I didn’t need to do this alone, that there were other parents out there going through the same thing, that we could lean on each other and come out of this stronger than before.

It has been a huge blow to me to not be able to do physical exercise, it was always a crutch for me and a coping mechanism. But with these conditions I was ordered on complete rest. If you know me at all you know that rest is not my forte. However, it has been my greatest teacher. These months of doing nothing, have taught me about resilience of the body and mind. That asking for help and mental health support is not a weakness but a strength. I am a work in progress and will continue to struggle for sure, but I am lucky to be surrounded by amazing people and professionals who have helped me these last few months. As I enter the next phase of this condition (healing is underway) I have been given permission to begin small amounts of exercise and workouts and I can’t wait for body, mind and soul to be aligned for the adventure.


Having said all this, if you are reading this and feel alone, you are not. If you need support, help is on the way. There is a lot on the plates of Mothers these days ( dad’s are awesome , Eric is the cream of the crop) but it is still not always even and we need to learn to take time for ourselves, recharge our batteries and understand that resilience doesn’t mean perfection.  We are perfect in our imperfection, in our intentions, in our energy and efforts to do our best for our families. We are enough as we are and when we are down, we will get back up because we are RESILIENT!

Rebirth of my blog: my opinion LIVES ! (muahahahahaha)

Well watch out world! The unicorn dragon momma is back baby! It has been over 2 years since my last post and I have lived a lot, learned a lot, been humbled and am now exploring all kinds of new adventures. The flavour of this blog going forward will be an explosion of topics, questions and maybe a little venting if I need it.

I am a Mother to 2 very special kiddos that are the center of my universe, wife to an amazing partner, fur momma to our newest addition Winnie and lover of life...and  so lets dive into my first post.

THE HIDDEN DIAGNOSIS

We just got back from an incredible family trip to Disney World and it was amazing!  We love Disney so, so, so much for all the obvious reasons, but also for not so obvious reasons. You see, our gift of a seven year old has an alphabet soup of diagnoses and allergies and is extremely limited to where she can travel. Disney offers the most incredible experience for her. There she has the opportunity to be just like other kids. their chefs are trained to accommodate her multiple allergies (dairy, soy and gluten), they have staff who are trained in ASD and know exactly what to do and how to interact with her and no one there looks at her as anything other than a princess.

 But here is the thing, to the average person she looks "normal" whatever that means. She has no physical attributes that would suggest a disability. You might think that is advantageous, keeping it hidden kind of thing. Truth is I am on the fence about it. Some days I wish she looked a certain way so that I didn't have to explain her or her behavior. Its exhausting to always have to justify, prepare people, adapt, apologise and and and...exhausting. If she has the physical features of certain disabilities, then the narrative would be understood ( or would it) In our case, I also find myself often defending myself and my parenting. Because she "looks" normal we have been on the receiving end of some commenting gems ( how I am not in jail to be honest is a miracle) To the individual who doesn't know she lives with ASD and all that comes with it she can look like a spoiled brat. When she is screaming out of control because she is overstimulated, or hiding because she has anxiety, or almost in a trance from fatigue, to that individual it will look like a tantrum and a parent who indulges. Truth is, when the disability in internal and not physical it opens doors to comments, judgments and LOTS of advice.  My all time favorite is anything that begins with " Have you tried..."  or "maybe if you would just..." Oh baby we love that ( NOT!)

During our vacation, our stroller held the tag identifying her as disabled so she could enter through special doors, we often skipped lines etc. During this incredible program, that allows individuals to have this magical experience I had a few heart dropping moments when I heard comments like  " she doesn't even look handicapped" ( I hate that word BTW)  or "its not fair, she should have to wait like the rest of us" "This is bullshit, look she is normal" and a few others.  Boy do I wish it was bullshit, boy do I wish I was just doing it so I didn't have to wait in line. ASD and many other disabilities and mental health are all unseen and can be as debilitating as a missing leg or spina bifida. I would challenge you to look at every person, every parent, every  friend and coworker as if you understood that you don't understand everything, that maybe you are missing significant information to understand them and their behaviour. Maybe there is something more going on, be kind, be generous, be positive and supportive. There are many hidden diagnoses that affect individuals and families in ways you can never imagine.

Trust me. I know.

Confessions of a Mom

Being a Mom is one of the most rewarding and challenging things Ive experienced, that any of us experience. All of us struggle  with things like, enough food, enough sleep, screen time blah blah blah...I realized that all parents struggle with their own battles everyday. But sometimes being the mom of a child with special needs can feel so lonely and bring me to places I don"t want to be. Confused? ya me too....

Yesterday was the last class of the session for Layla Rose and Anthony's gymnastics at WimGym. Parents and grandparents were invited to watch and the kids did fun activities, trampoline, beam etc. As usual it always started well, my little dragon can run super fast and does such a great job at the warm up...and I watch the clock because I know what is coming. as the minutes tick by I watch her and cheer every extra tick the clock takes . I look at the other spectators and they are smiling, pointing and gushing over the adorable kids and cuteness of the awkward tumbles, swings and jumps. I try not to pay attention or compare but easier said then done.

I look back at my Layla Rose and I see her being to struggle, to battle with what she knows she should do and the lack of ability to self regulate and I know what is coming.  Her coach tries to distract and redirect, but its about to go south. I go to the door and they let me in to help calm the situation.

So in front of all the smiling parents I enter the gym floor to calm and teach my child. I have to dig deep to try and teach her with an audience.To calm the shrieks and thrashing while eyes are on her and i can't help but feel judged. What are they thinking of my child? of me?  All the while wishing just for  one moment to be one of them.

 The moment passes, and I say my kid can do it, she can do this... I got this, I am super mom, and then she lets of a scream and all the kids look at her and I feel like crap again. I'm hoping the whole time that none of the other parents send their kids to camp and recognizes me, and I am jealous of the other parents in that moment and I feel like shit because I feel that way. I mean there are worse things and other parents would kill just to have this...

...this incredible kid, this sensitive soul and electric character. I love her with all my heart but sometimes it is so hard, and I want to feel just a little normal, just once. I want to send her to a birthday party and not have to worry what she will eat , to an activity that she can do, to kindergarten and not wonder how long it will last before I get called.

Being a special needs Mom, is like being a regular mom, we struggle, we question, love, we cherish, we hold them , we cuddle them. But there seems to be an extra layer to this, an extra layer to any Mom who has a non typical child, its a layer of loneliness and guilt. The guilt for feeling lonely and tired and for the milliseconds we periodically experience of wishing things could be different.

But there is also that layer of strength, the armor you put on everyday and say "my child can do anything" I will make it possible for her and feel the exploding pride when she does. The overflowing of emotion when she pedals her bike the first time, when she says Hi, my name is...when she talks to me with her eyes telling me things only I can truly understand. I know that my path is as it should be, but holy crap its not easy. I sincerely wish we could make everything more adaptable to her but we can't and so we march on wearing our armor , making the world a better place for her and kids like her.  There are no 2 ways about it, being a special needs mom is hard and they are worth it.

A chapter now closed

I am not even really sure where to start this post, its been so long since I've written but a lot has been going. Though my, our life is so full of amazing things, people and experiences it has been a tough six months for my little family. Its been hard because we've been dealing with a situation  at home that we've been largely silent about. To be honest, we've been partly silent because we wanted to wait until we had all the answers and partly because we didn't really know how to start the conversation.

So last August i began having some pretty sever symptoms of something being wrong, fatigue, headaches, nausea dizziness among other things. Anyways that's not important. So off to the doctor i went, and to many doctors since then. All this time...these passed six months we have been working to figure out what was wrong with me. One of the tests was a brain MRI at the end of last year and close to 10 000$ of blood tests( we ended up going public but were quoted that privately) during these tests several anomalies were found. Before we continue lets be clear I'm ok, nothing life threatening. but it has taken some time to get here, to know this. I've shared my journey superficially with a few of my closest friends  but not many. The long and the short of it is medically we are working on things and figuring out everything that needs to be tweaked in terms of my condition an progress is being made. but that's not the point of this  post.

For the last six months I've carried what is essentially a secret and it has weighed on me. there were a few weeks when we had no answers and some of the tests were to eliminate some more scary things. during that time you would be amazed at what you think of and what seems important. However now we know that i am ok and we are treating everything it is like an incredible weight has been lifted, one i didn't even know i was carrying until it was gone. At the same time I am exhausted, all this time worrying and thinking, you just don't ever have a moment of peace, because when all is quiet, your brain is not.

Why speak of it at all, you might be asking. Well its hard to say. I feel like since its mostly over now, i can breath and let it out. I have always been the type to wear it on my sleeve and I feel like i've been a little more impatient these past few months ( not that i have much to start with). Hopefully the next six months will bring a lot more relief as the treatments kick in. This forum is like a therapy session for me. I can get it out without having to answer a ton of questions. I find it an awkward  topic anyways and don't necessarily want to talk about it now that its mostly over.

Needles to say i am grateful for those who have helped me make it through the last while whether they knew it or not. I wont lie, I'm quite tired mentally but doing better and am back at the gym , playing hockey and slowly getting it together LOL We've got weddings, babies and vacations in the next year and lots of exciting things I can now look forward to without a cloud.