Confessions of a Mom

Being a Mom is one of the most rewarding and challenging things Ive experienced, that any of us experience. All of us struggle  with things like, enough food, enough sleep, screen time blah blah blah...I realized that all parents struggle with their own battles everyday. But sometimes being the mom of a child with special needs can feel so lonely and bring me to places I don"t want to be. Confused? ya me too....

Yesterday was the last class of the session for Layla Rose and Anthony's gymnastics at WimGym. Parents and grandparents were invited to watch and the kids did fun activities, trampoline, beam etc. As usual it always started well, my little dragon can run super fast and does such a great job at the warm up...and I watch the clock because I know what is coming. as the minutes tick by I watch her and cheer every extra tick the clock takes . I look at the other spectators and they are smiling, pointing and gushing over the adorable kids and cuteness of the awkward tumbles, swings and jumps. I try not to pay attention or compare but easier said then done.

I look back at my Layla Rose and I see her being to struggle, to battle with what she knows she should do and the lack of ability to self regulate and I know what is coming.  Her coach tries to distract and redirect, but its about to go south. I go to the door and they let me in to help calm the situation.

So in front of all the smiling parents I enter the gym floor to calm and teach my child. I have to dig deep to try and teach her with an audience.To calm the shrieks and thrashing while eyes are on her and i can't help but feel judged. What are they thinking of my child? of me?  All the while wishing just for  one moment to be one of them.

 The moment passes, and I say my kid can do it, she can do this... I got this, I am super mom, and then she lets of a scream and all the kids look at her and I feel like crap again. I'm hoping the whole time that none of the other parents send their kids to camp and recognizes me, and I am jealous of the other parents in that moment and I feel like shit because I feel that way. I mean there are worse things and other parents would kill just to have this...

...this incredible kid, this sensitive soul and electric character. I love her with all my heart but sometimes it is so hard, and I want to feel just a little normal, just once. I want to send her to a birthday party and not have to worry what she will eat , to an activity that she can do, to kindergarten and not wonder how long it will last before I get called.

Being a special needs Mom, is like being a regular mom, we struggle, we question, love, we cherish, we hold them , we cuddle them. But there seems to be an extra layer to this, an extra layer to any Mom who has a non typical child, its a layer of loneliness and guilt. The guilt for feeling lonely and tired and for the milliseconds we periodically experience of wishing things could be different.

But there is also that layer of strength, the armor you put on everyday and say "my child can do anything" I will make it possible for her and feel the exploding pride when she does. The overflowing of emotion when she pedals her bike the first time, when she says Hi, my name is...when she talks to me with her eyes telling me things only I can truly understand. I know that my path is as it should be, but holy crap its not easy. I sincerely wish we could make everything more adaptable to her but we can't and so we march on wearing our armor , making the world a better place for her and kids like her.  There are no 2 ways about it, being a special needs mom is hard and they are worth it.

A chapter now closed

I am not even really sure where to start this post, its been so long since I've written but a lot has been going. Though my, our life is so full of amazing things, people and experiences it has been a tough six months for my little family. Its been hard because we've been dealing with a situation  at home that we've been largely silent about. To be honest, we've been partly silent because we wanted to wait until we had all the answers and partly because we didn't really know how to start the conversation.

So last August i began having some pretty sever symptoms of something being wrong, fatigue, headaches, nausea dizziness among other things. Anyways that's not important. So off to the doctor i went, and to many doctors since then. All this time...these passed six months we have been working to figure out what was wrong with me. One of the tests was a brain MRI at the end of last year and close to 10 000$ of blood tests( we ended up going public but were quoted that privately) during these tests several anomalies were found. Before we continue lets be clear I'm ok, nothing life threatening. but it has taken some time to get here, to know this. I've shared my journey superficially with a few of my closest friends  but not many. The long and the short of it is medically we are working on things and figuring out everything that needs to be tweaked in terms of my condition an progress is being made. but that's not the point of this  post.

For the last six months I've carried what is essentially a secret and it has weighed on me. there were a few weeks when we had no answers and some of the tests were to eliminate some more scary things. during that time you would be amazed at what you think of and what seems important. However now we know that i am ok and we are treating everything it is like an incredible weight has been lifted, one i didn't even know i was carrying until it was gone. At the same time I am exhausted, all this time worrying and thinking, you just don't ever have a moment of peace, because when all is quiet, your brain is not.

Why speak of it at all, you might be asking. Well its hard to say. I feel like since its mostly over now, i can breath and let it out. I have always been the type to wear it on my sleeve and I feel like i've been a little more impatient these past few months ( not that i have much to start with). Hopefully the next six months will bring a lot more relief as the treatments kick in. This forum is like a therapy session for me. I can get it out without having to answer a ton of questions. I find it an awkward  topic anyways and don't necessarily want to talk about it now that its mostly over.

Needles to say i am grateful for those who have helped me make it through the last while whether they knew it or not. I wont lie, I'm quite tired mentally but doing better and am back at the gym , playing hockey and slowly getting it together LOL We've got weddings, babies and vacations in the next year and lots of exciting things I can now look forward to without a cloud.