2 Challenges faced this week

Again I write as a form a free therapy...I am still on my journey to lose weight...life long journey after all and again I am faced with the crazy psychological side of this exhausting battle.

I have been trying and mostly failing at changing how I see and feel about myself, each time I seem to make headway something happens and I take three steps back. So I have been trying to challenge myself in a way to prove to myself what I can do. To prove to myself how strong I can be... so I did 2 really "scary things".

1. At the gym I dared venture into the weight section. I have often used the small free weights or the machines, but never the bars. So I got my big girl pants on and I went int o the scary area and I did ten bench presses with the bars. I was ridiculously  nervous and afraid people were laughing at me and how I had trouble getting the bars back in the holders. But I did it...next time I may  not panic and actually do the three sets I was supposed to do.

2. I cut my hair!!! I have never let anyone touch my hair to cut it ( unless it was the smallest trim) But I finally said I need to do this. My hair doesn't make me a girl or feminine, I can do this! Why is it so hard? For me my hair is what made me more girlie and feminine. For the most part if you asked 100 people to say one word about me, feminine would not be there. So I felt like if I had long hair it would make me more like a girl. So I challenged that thought process and let Marie Eve Cut it off, and by cut it off I mean a few inches ( 4) that's a lot for me.

Well 2 things down...hopefully I will take away from this that I CAN do this. But I must say it is really hard.  I seriously doubt I would be able to do this without my amazing supportive friends at the studio, Gina, Tina, Ariane and Nancy you are my cheerleaders!! THANK YOU!!

It has been awhile...

I know it has been awhile but PHEW....so much has been going on I seriously haven't had a chance ( or I have been a bit lazy) to get a few posts up here.  I will try and sum it up so we can all catch up! HAHA!!

Besides that I have so much to tell about our little Dragon and all we have gone though with her, I do feel the need to start with my health battle. As the whole world knows ( because I don't stop talking about it) I am still on my weight loss saga to hit the 100lbs lost, I am currently at 89lbs and am sooooo close and yet sooooo far. For the first time since I started the whole crap ( I mean happy time) I have never gained any weight, if I was going through a rough patch I was able to maintain. BUT 2 weeks ago I was stupid sick and on antibiotics , unable to go to the gym and just feeling pretty blah, when I went to that weeks weigh in I had gain just about 3 lbs. Normally this would have spun  me into a super negative place in my head, but I am really proud of the fact that I just accepted it and as soon as I could I got back on track. This may not seem like a big deal, but for me who constantly pushes to reach my goal, accepting that I can't control it all and all I can do is "just keep swimming" is not an epic failure. I am happy to report that I lost all that weight in this weeks weigh in and if I can pull it together for the remaining 2 months before the surgery I may hit my goal by Jan 9th. I HOPE!!!

Life is this funny thing, you think you've got it down and then something come your way and you say WHAT?!?!?! Not fair, how come, blah blah...but I was watching an episode of something and Elie Weisel was on it and he said the only thing we can control in life is our reactions to situations. He of course was talking about the Nazis, but I think we can apply it to ourselves ( my opinion). I am going to try and shift my thought process to look at the big picture as the journey and my reaction to everything in it will be my new goal. ( I am a very goal oriented person) I am going to try and react better to situations and to people in my life. THAT should be a challenge...I am a bit "hot" as they say. This I am sure will be a life long struggle but an interesting one at that.

Anyways, I could go on and on...so in a nut shell...Eric has gotten the first phase of his daddy dragon tattoo...now we both have our little dragon for life! Speaking of Layla Rose, she is AMAZING! still not talking and we are getting her ears testes next week, but WHAT a character! If the apple doesn't fall far from the tree we are in for it BIG TIME! I am 2 papers and a final away from being the first female Davis to have achieved a bachelors degree and let me tell you I CAN"T WAIT!! this semester had been HELL! but it is almost done yay! The holiday season is coming up and I am seriously looking forward to reconnecting with my friends as I haven't been able to see you all as much while I am trying to balance it all.

I am tired but in a good way...here is to what life throws your way and how we react to it! CHEERS!

Even at Auntie Julie's I can't get away from this camera? Seriously?

yes...those are the cutest converse ever!! ( not to mention the kid in them)

NO....I am not headed for the stairs again...

That is an ORIGINAL cabbage patch form th 80's people...meet Elisabeth ( she was mine)

Wonderland!! SUPER FUN!!! Toronto Time!

Cousins just chillin'

Birthday time!!!

Not loving the hat!! HAHA!!

Wonderland!

Just be fore the Leviathan... you go brave boys!

Snoopy Land with the dragon!! GREAT DAY!

Our first Carousel ride!

Our second ride ! HAHA!!

Lisa & Lilia getting ready to kick butt!!

ARGH Matey!!!! a trio of pirates!

Watching Camp Snoopy

Eating pizza.. YUM!!

MMmmmmmm I love peperoni!!

Found my other Camera!! YAHOO!!

Layla Rose and her Uncle Mike...wishing for hot dogs!

I FIGURED HOW TO OPEN THE FRIDGE!!! YOWZA!!

phase one of invade the dog beds....

phase two...look casual

phase three...TAKE OVER!!

Me and my babies!!!!

The dragon on the move!!

all three babies...looking at a door where nothing is going on...hmmmm

um..ya...that is not quite how we use our potty Layla Rose!!

ZIG ZAG ZOO!

On a pony ride with Nana!!

Biggest loser update and some fun pics!

 

 

Ok so here is the update my friends (Julie this is for you since you wanted more writing LOL!) After talking it over with my friends and Eric etc, I decided to stay in the biggest loser program at the studio. Besides loving my amazing ladies I do the class with, I really need to lose weight ! ARGH! (1st surgery is January 9th). and like I said before, the work out is AMAZING!!! ok so my new strategy going into the ice queens class, was to channel my inner Oprah and be the change I wanted to see. Meaning, since I really didn't like the personality and condescending nature of the trainer, I decided to act like the trainer I wanted. So as we went through t he class, I tried to stay positive and help to motivate the ladies around me. I found this was much more effective than just being pissed at the teacher. Also, by helping those around me , it helped me to dig deep and push through the workout. So, with an great circle of friends who help me to be my best self each time, and who motivate me, and by me helping to motivate them...we will succeed as a team. A lesson I have learned, that maybe before getting all crazy sensitive because my trainer is super cold ( to say the very least) I should do what I can to help the situation rather than run away. Thank you to Nancy and my friends for helping me to see this. Her is to another crazy week and hopefully another successful weigh in! GO TEAM AMAZING GODESSES!!

 

 

 

 

 

Reading Snowy bear at he wedding...yup it is still her favorite!

I am taking a break...right here , right now...I am POOPED!! ( at Finnegan's market)

Julie, Daddy and me...with my cupcake...and hey wait...why don't I have a marshmallow pop?!?!

Who doesn't love a cup cake?1 what you mean people don't usually take their top  off  to do this? go figure

Layla Rose has commandeered the dog bed...wait til Cocoa finds out!

Biggest Loser 2013

Ok folks time for a little virtual therapy....so most of you know I am BATTLING to lose weight and become healthy etc. I am also getting surgery in January to remove skin that is not "bouncing " back. Having said that, the more  I lose before the surgery the better. So to hit the maximum and of course try and hit  my 100lb goal I am now working out x2 a day most days ( I can't run anymore because of my knees) and eating as clean as I can. So to help things along I joined a group of amazing wonderful and super fun ladies in a biggest loser challenge.

SO this is a class given with support of a trainer , eating guide etc. My hope initially was to have a cheerleader a little a la Bob Harper, Chris Powel style. The reason I wanted this is because I am in the last hump here and I need to pull up my big girl pants and push hard and dig deep to make it happen. So a little extra push and support was what I was looking for. So last week was class number one ( here comes the therapy part) The trainer is a very professional woman who clearly knows what she is doing and her workout was AMAZING in that I never sweat so much in my whole life!!! Having said that, I have  never been made to feel so small in my whole life. Her approach is not the type of one that I am able to function in. It is my personal belief that a successful trainer is able to make a connection with their clients ( this goes for any field BTW) they take the time to hone in on their needs, personalities etc and finds the style that will maximise their output. I want to walk away from my workout feeling burnt, but also proud of myself for what I have accomplished, not worse that when I started. This trainer is a bit of a Jillian Michaels without the ability to smile or connect, at one point she even said something like" ....think about this exercise the next time you shove down a big mac" ya um hey lady... I haven't had a big  mac in like three years... ( did I mention that I am insecure and need constant validation in this area?) So my problem is that I (me not anyone else) has a problem because I was looking for a person who would help me to dig deep, be a cheerleader and push me in a way that will make me work like a dog but still feel good, not bring me back to when I started out at almost 300lbs ( 272 actually).

I have learned a lot about myself during this whole thing, and I am only recently coming out of my shell and trying new things, trying to act like a lady and dress like one. I am finding myself and I don't need to be belittled or have what I have done to get to this point shot down by someone who doesn't even know me. before I go on though, let me say that had I been starting out , her style may be just what I would have needed, a big kick in the ass. But I think it is because I have gotten myself this far that I feel we don't blend. ( again let me say her work out is AMAZING and she is very knowledgeable) I digress...ok so I told Nancy ( best ever instructor on the face of the earth people) That I was going to drop out and try something else. This decision was made for  many reasons but primarily because I don't want to feel like crap about myself each time, but some support from my Amazing friends Tina, Gina and Julie and beautiful words from Nancy( did I mention she is incredible...just saying) I have decided to keep going and do the process with them after all. I  am not going to lie I feel scared and nervous, I really want to hit my goal with a smile and a friend not a bully. So here is hoping that I am being a ridiculous over sensitive baby and that I will end up being very wrong about this trainer.

I would also like to put it pout there that without my friends to support me  ( especially all my wonderful goddesses at Studio Benefit) I wouldn't be able to keep doing this, I am fed up of living my life at the gym and eating like an effing bird. I seriously can't wait to be in the maintenance phase. Thank you all for enduring my "therapy" and for walking this journey with me!!!

ZIG ZAG ZOO!!! SUPER FUN! YAY!!!

Playing with the mat!! FUN!

UP WE GO!

DOWN WE GO!

Riding my caterpillar with Daddy!

Me and my friend Noemie playing!!

I am climbing it right Daddy?

I know I can climb this! look at me!!!

Is this my Pony?!?!?

Beep Beep!

Groving on the dance floor!!!

look Zadie I found your game!!